Post Exhiliration Depression

There are a few things I wonder.

Is it normal to feel a little depressed after having a whole day of fun?

I wonder if it’s possible to outstay your welcome in your own house.

Are mothers equipped with the ability to nag at every single thing?

Sigh. I was quite happy yesterday when I bought my clothes. I couldn’t help but wonder that if I had gotten my pay on Wednesday, I would’ve shopped a little more freely. It sucks that I spent quite a lot this month. I don’t know how that happened, as I’ve always been quite careful with my money and I always have a bit left over.

Actually, I do know how it happened. It’s the same month I need to buy my contacts, and that alone costs RM60. I also met up with S thus needing to pay her back for the three books she helped me buy on discount at the MPH warehouse sales, which totalled up to RM64. Then I bought an MNG black knit top which I deem a necessity for RM35. Then that day I payed for A’s stuff because V didn’t bring any money out with him. That was RM32. I actually didn’t feel like meeting up with S for a movie even though it was free because I didn’t feel like going out to 1U again, and if I went out I’d inevitably need to spend money for lunch. I regretted suggesting sushi for lunch, because the bill came up to RM29. I also spent RM50 for the dentist appointment. Not to mention during V’s birthday early in the month I ate up to RM26. Actually that time I still had quite a lot of cash with me.

So all in all I spent close to RM350. And the month isn’t even over yet. It was a miracle I spent under RM100 for the two item of clothes yesterday. I wanted to buy a few other things, but I restrained myself because I’ve already spent so much this month. If that’s not bad enough, there’s the camera repair bill that’s RM290. Thank goodness mother is paying half for it, but I still need to withdraw some money.

Things at home aren’t quite good either. I haven’t spoken to my father for a week. I think he’s angry at me for shouting at him last week for shouting at me. It’s not my fault, really. He couldn’t find the key to the window, so he asked me where it was. I never touched that key, but I helped to see if it was in the stationery box on my table (it’s usually in the jewellery box). He immediately started shouting at me, demanding why I put the key there.

I was so shocked! I was just helping him find it, I didn’t even touch the key! I started getting angry and I shouted right back at him that I didn’t touch the bloody key. He was probably shocked that I’d raise my voice at him, so he hasn’t spoken or looked at me for the past week.

It’s not my fault. Which brings me to me wondering if I’d outstayed my welcome in this house. I already counted; I have 15 more days till I can go back to Kampar.

My Sunday is usually spent going to the mall with my parents. I don’t think that will be happening for quite some time. Other than that, I am pretty much stuck at home. As I already spent a fortune this month, I am determined to stay away from anything that’ll make me use money, which pretty much means that I won’t be going anywhere. That said, I am bored out of my mind. The wise thing to do now is to do something that’ll earn me money instead of spending it. Which means work. Unfortunately I am not really in the frame of mind for work now. What I really want to do now is go shopping. Totally out of the question, due to financial problems.

As bimbotic as it sounds, I really want to buy some tights now; a plain black one, and an argyle one. I want the tights to wear with the long top I bought yesterday. I don’t have the right heels to wear the tights with, so I’ll need to buy shoes as well. I saw a pair of light brown booties yesterday but they couldn’t fit. Therefore I want to buy a pair of booties to wear with my tights. And since the top I bought yesterday is too dark for CNY, I want to get a bright coloured top to go with the skirt I bought yesterday. And I desperately want a smocked tube top as well, in a candy colour.

There are still so many things I want to do now that I’m still in the city, but all requires money. The best thing to do is to finish up my work in a week’s time, so that I can get my pay next week. Or, I’ll have to wait for next month, when I get my allowance. That is, if my beloved father is planning on giving me money anymore.

Life in this household has been very tense. My mother takes every possible opportunity to badmouth my father and his family, or to nag at me for every single thing. I swear, everything I do requires a nag. Is it a dominant gene in mothers?

As of now, I cannot wait to get back to Kampar. However, life in Kampar means no shopping. There is online shopping, but after the two bazaars I’ve been to, it’s very hard to discern whether clothes in online boutiques look as nice in real life. I have seen a few gems online but when I see them offline, they are not quite the gems I thought they were. Perhaps it’s also the fact that some clothes look better worn than on the clothes hanger. There’s also the quality factor.

I am also having the worrying attitude that online clothes are much better than the normal clothes of Padini, Nichii, and the likes. They are becoming a little boring, I’m afraid. Am I turning into a lala, shunning normal, boring clothes? This I cannot fathom.

If I want my pay by next week, I suppose I have to start on my work now.

hacks me away on the inside

without fail, my parents argue most of the time. or rather, have a cold war. most of the time it’s about my father’s side of the family. today it happened again. my mother asked me if my father was having another one of his temperaments. i said no, he seemed okay when he talked to me. then she mentioned about their little talk.

basically, my father told my mother that his mother was quite sick, so he sort of hinted my mother to see her. at the same time, he said that his sister (who’s living under the same room as his mother) just moved to a new house, so they’re having a housewarming barbeque party. my mother then nonchalantly proceeded to ask, “why, are they celebrating your mother’s sickness?”

my mother can be very condescendingly sarcastic when she wants to. and it always stabs at you. many times have i felt irritated when she does this to my father, but seeing as it’s their own marital affair, i chose not to interfere. today however, i was particularly assertive. i told her, “you shouldn’t have said that. you always like to say these things, of course he’d get mad.”

she told me she was just asking further, as my father first talked about his mother’s health, then about the housewarming party. i told her, “but those are two different things. they’re having a barbeque party because they just moved, and the sickness is another thing.”

“couldn’t they postpone the barbeque party then?”

“it’s not like she’s going to get any better, you know.”

later after a short pause i gathered my courage and told her, “it’s because you’re always saying all these sarcastic things that’s why both of you always get into a fight.”

she said that he asked for it. it was because earlier in their marriage he was always mean to her and her family, that’s why she did it back to him. she said to me that he had it coming. “you know i’m very revengeful. what he did to me i’ll always remember. i always believe if you do something wrong you’ll get payed for it.”

i guess the phrase “forgive and forget” does not appear in my mother’s dictionary. i felt a bit resentful towards her after that. when she declared that everyone knew how revengeful she was, it was like she wasn’t ashamed of being so. in fact, she seemed quite proud of it. then i remembered the other time i got irritated at her for not understanding  some simple BM that i taught her. she scolded me for being so impatient. i retorted back that when i was younger, she was even more impatient than i am in teaching me things. that was a reason why i never went to her if i didn’t understand anything about my homework. then she said, “oh, so you’re taking revenge now?”

had i been pissed, and had that happened now, i would’ve replied her, “i only learned it from you.”

after she told me how badly my father had treated her and her family, i did not probe further. though i do not agree the ways of my father, i also do not agree with her attitude. i don’t want to sound like a religious person, but i believe that if two people continue to do this, the anger will only be fueled, and you will end up as an angry person, thus you will never move on. it’s easier said than done, as i myself have trouble forgetting the bad past at times. anyway, it’s harder to move on when you have to face the person you resent everyday, and living in the same house.

it was only later that i realized i should have told my mother how selfish she was being. every argument that she has with my father – has she ever thought of me? of how i would feel everytime they argued? all this while, she has only thought of how my father mistreated her and her family, and that alone fueled her anger towards him. she only thought of revenge, but she never thought of her child.

everytime the both of them argued, i always feel like i am the one at fault. as though i was the one who made the both of them argue. sometimes they argued freely in front of me. humans are selfish creatures. the reason why i am so afraid to go against my parents is because i’m afraid that they’ll argue more. i try to be less trouble. though i know that why they argue isn’t because of me, everytime they do it just stabs me on the inside and hacks away.

whenever they argue, i just can’t wait to step out of the house. i always imagine that if i weren’t there, they might argue less often. actually, it’s proven to be quite true. during the most of this year when i wasn’t around, they didn’t argue much. but when i was back for my semester break, at two weeks the most, by the end of the first week they already started arguing. now that i am home for more than three months, it’s even worse. though i’ve grown used to living back here again, i still miss the freedom i had. i still can’t wait to go back there, no matter how boring it is, and no matter how bad the food is.

when i was small, my mother told me that if i studied hard enough, i would be able to study overseas in a prestigious university.

she lied.

Not a kid

i’m feeling so frustrated now. i quitted my job as a promoter two days ago, and i’ve been seriously regretting it ever since. not that i wanted to quit, i was actually in a way, forced to quit.

reason number one is because my father is treating me like a complete child, like as if i’m going to be kidnapped any second! i finish work at 8pm, and he at 6pm. he could easily go home, shower, have dinner, watch some tv before coming out to pick me up again. but noo, he must wait for me to finish then only go home together. it’s not bad for waiting. but waiting for me two hours before i finish?!?!?!? that’s plain fucking absurd!! i am not a child!!

reason number two is because if i continue working, my hours would be from 4pm to 12am next week onwards. which would definitely cause an uproar from my parents, not to mention transportation problems. i for one do not have any problem with the timing. by all means, the later the better, i don’t want to go home so early.

reason number three is the extended date of working. i don’t know why i was affected by this, i think it’s because my father was disappointed saying he wanted to go on a holiday with us, etc etc. god, the things i do for my family.

although my job as a promoter isn’t the best, i kind of had fun the second day doing it. first day was a disaster, but second day was pretty enjoyable. and although i do not like to admit it, i think i’m having a crush on my supervisor. i still love my boyfriend – i think i do, cause that’s not exactly what i’m feeling right now. i think it’s the crush phase, once i’m over that i’ll be back to normal.

which i hope will not be very long. it’s bad enough i can’t see my supervisor anymore, i’m stuck on missing and crushing on him. it’s really a sucky feeling.

and i’m missing out on rm2150 worth of salary. two freaking thousand. i already planned out what i could buy with that amount of money, but now everything’s gone haywire.

FUCK IT!

Inferior

Though I am the only child in my family, I wonder if there’ll ever be a time where I will not feel inferior in the family. It’s always the same thing, I don’t think it’ll ever change.

Just now, when I told my father about my results for my previous semester in university, he approved, and then continued with a, “So can you get a scholarship?”

I was completely dumbfounded. My results were average, definitely not enough to get a scholarship. When I told him I couldn’t, he was disappointed.

Regarding my results, I was quite relieved to find that I had improved a great deal since my first semester, but then it still wasn’t really up to my expectations. My mother was happy, to say the least. My father’s reaction caused me further disappointment.

The exact same thing happened last year, when I got my SPM results. I did not get straight As, but only one B flawed the results of what would have been straight As.

I was crying, I was hysterical, I was disappointed that I did not get full As. When I called my mother, she thought my results were fantastic. So I called my dad. After I told him my results, the first thing he replied was the same.

“So can you get a scholarship?”

Is that all that’s ever in his mind?! Money money money.

But wait, there’s more. It seems like it’s not just about the money.

I recently discovered how to use Photoshop, so I’ve been exciting myself by making lots of vector wallpapers. I asked him how it looked, and he just nodded, just like that.

The other time I boiled spaghetti for dinner. I’ve boiled the noodles quite a number of times before, so it’s not to say that I have totally zero experience in this. After eating the noodles, my father exclaimed that it tasted so bad. He didn’t finish his spaghetti. He threw it away.

Will I never get approval in my father’s eyes?

Nineteen

At what age would it be deemed suitable to be trusted by your parents, and treated as an equal, instead of a child?

I am still treated as a child by my parents. I’m not allowed to go out at night. If I do go out, it must only be a few times per month. If I go out, I must be home by evening. I’m not allowed to go clubbing. I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend.

I am nineteen today, and I don’t have the same priveleges friends of my age, and younger, do.

To love, or to stop loving.

For the past few nights, I have cried myself to sleep. I have gone to sleep thinking of sad, worrying thoughts. For the past few nights, we had not gone to sleep feeling loving for each other, except for last night.

But yet I still cried to sleep. Perhaps it’s just my problem, that I am undergoing such feelings.

I want to be perfect in his eyes, very much. That is why…a frank comment from him cracks my heart a little.

Today, he mentioned that he chatted with a girl online, and the way she talked was very cute. First he asked for my opinion, whether or not I talked like that. He copy and pasted the conversation. I said I didn’t, and I find it a tad annoying talking to people like that. He said he found it cute. I told him I don’t talk like that, and I won’t.

Then it stabbed me a little. If he continued chatting with her, will he eventually fall for her? He fell for me by talking to me a lot too. I am very afraid that he might fall for her and leave me one day.

When I told him how I felt, he chided me and said that if I was going to overreact like that every time, he’d stop sharing with me things like these.

Is how I’m feeling really stupid? I have previously lost a boyfriend to another girl. Although it was just a crush, he took months to get over her, while he was still with me. I think, probably he never got over her when we were together, till the day I left him for good.

During that agonizing seven months, I’ve cried, suffered, forgiven, and had my heart broken countless times because he liked that girl. He didn’t even go after her, he just admired her from afar, which made it even more agonizing for me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

I don’t want the same thing to happen to this relationship of mine. I love him too much, and I don’t know to what lengths I will go to keep him as mine. My heart tells me to love him more, and show him how much I love him. My mind tells me to stop loving him, and prepare myself for the day that he will like another.

But I still love him.

Effortless

He puts in 20% effort. You put in 90% effort. Yet he does better than you, and you feel your self esteem being sucked down the drain…yet again.

For eight months…you’ve been competing with him. He is great, and he knows it. He never fails to remind you about it. You feel inferior, but yet he gives you a drive to do better, to work harder, to usurp him.

Previously you weren’t so driven to compete against him. This time around you’re doing all your best to be better than him. You fail, yet again. Just when you were about to give up, you suddenly do better than him…for once! How happy can you be?

But happiness doesn’t last. For another low blow comes to you, and you realize that no matter how hard you try, he’ll always be better than you. You’ve almost given up…almost.

Then your friend tells you not to. It’s only the first year. You still have two more years to go. If you give up now, what will happen to yourself in the next two years? He’s a challenge, always a challenge. So what if he’s always better than you?

Your main competition is yourself. He may be better, but you have nowhere else to go but up.

You’ll get better too.

For a boy

Everything was planned out perfectly. You’ve been planning it since a week ago, that you would go back to your hometown this Friday, shop for books as presents for your friend’s birthday, get a haircut, buy a new eyeliner, and possibly a new swimsuit.

You even wrote down the list of items you need to buy back here. Almost all your housemates are going back too, so you’d have transportation. Heck, you’ve even planned what to wear on the journey back so that you’d look nice for your boyfriend.

On Saturday, you’re supposed to go out with your friends as a late birthday celebration for the two of them, and sort of a gathering, and let them see your boyfriend whom they’ve only heard about. You were supposed to watch Dark Knight with them, the movie which everybody who has watched it raved about it.

Suddenly, your boyfriend has to come down to where you are to practice for a dance competition he’ll be participating in. And it has to be this weekend. You have no choice but to dump all your plans, and you know what’s the worst part?

Your boyfriend won’t even be spending most of his time with you, as his main purpose of coming here is to practice for a dance competition.

You feel frustrated, you feel a bit annoyed. Sure, you love your boyfriend and all, but you were supposed to go out with your friends. And what with the whole going-back-to-the-hometown-every-alternate-week thing disrupted, you either have to stay in this little village for two weeks, or risk getting questioned by your parents as to why you’re coming back every weekend.

All this, for a guy you love. You sigh, thinking that this sacrifice may be worth it.

Maybe.

A Vague Memory

It’s been awhile since that song played on the speakers of your laptop. You remember it clearly, but it seems distant. That song used to be played on repeat all the time, once upon a time. A time of sadness; a time of disappointment.

Although it was only a matter of months ago, you now wonder how on earth you could’ve liked a guy like that. Lazy, egoistic, stingy, and not even that good looking. Of course, his impression was all flowery perfection. Even at home, when he didn’t put up a front, you tell yourself that he still looks good. Even when you both made out and you saw his flabby tummy, you pretended it didn’t exist.

Love truly is blind, now that you think about it. Somehow it makes you scared, because you wonder what you will think of the person you love now, in the future if tragedy befalled, and you both aren’t together anymore.

That song, transported you to that Sunday afternoon, when that song was on repeat, and you both made out the afternoon away. You don’t want to remember it, but he was wearing a pink tshirt, and you were studying in his room, hoping he’d get off his laptop and make out with you. In the end, he did.

You were so happy back then.

But then, you are happier now, because you’re with a better guy, much nicer than him and looks good even without contact lenses.

You both were never officially together, but it hurt you so bad when he invited another girl into his room. She kept on coming, almost every night. It broke your heart, but back then you didn’t want to move on yet. So you keep playing the song on repeat, hoping for something that will never happen.

Luckily you’ve moved on, and luckily the girl stopped coming, after two weeks, exactly the length of time you both were unofficially together. Now you and the girl are fast friends.

It’s a beautiful song, but you won’t listen to it often. It brings back memories, and even though you’ve moved on, the memories are a little saddening. You did like him before, after all. It was just never meant to be.

So you change the song.

Sorry

It’s a pity, every guy that she gets with, is without gossip and finger pointing. But then you wonder, should you pity her, because she did cause all of that to happen.

First she made him cheat on his girlfriend, then she made him break up with her. Then, when he dumps her, she gets another boyfriend in two weeks.

Makes you wonder how long that new guy will last, doesn’t it?

You feel sorry for her, ’cause every guy she’s with, nobody will give their consent.

Is it her fault, or theirs?