The Deterioration

For my current semester in university, I have to undergo an internship in my hometown, the city. My boyfriend’s still stuck in the small state. It’s been four weeks into the semester and I already feel like I’m drifting apart from him. I wonder if circumstances are to be blamed. I work from 9am-6pm and I come home extremely tired. After showering, having my dinner and surfing the net for awhile, I am off to bed early. Due to the bad internet connection in the small state, he is hardly online, so we hardly chat online. We hardly text each other either, so that leaves little space for communication.

But when we do get our time for conversation, we have nothing to talk. What I fear most about my relationships is that we end up having nothing to talk about. I hate those long silences; I know that silence isn’t usually bad, but I feel at a loss; I feel myself getting forced to create a topic to talk about.

I’m not really sure if this is all my fault or his. I know I can’t be blamed for the lack of communication because I am busy. But maybe I should put in more effort? I’ve talked to him regarding this matter, and he said that it’s okay and it was his fault for playing too many computer games. This is quite true; although he’s already 19 going on 20, he’s still addicted to computer games. Sometimes; most of the times, he puts them before me and I get annoyed, but usually I couldn’t be arsed because no matter how much I try, I won’t be able to change him.

What makes me sad now is the lack of effort he’s putting into our relationship. He would rather play computer games than to spend a little time to chat with me about his day. Which brings to another problem; he has nothing to tell me about his day, because nothing special happens. I know how true this is, but then again, it’s the lack of effort that he’s putting in to even chat with me is making me depressed.

But maybe it’s also my fault on this? I don’t talk on the phone with him whenever my mother’s around or awake; because then she’d ask me who I’m talking to and what about, and that is annoying because she doesn’t allow me to be in a relationship. Also, I’m quite restricted because I can’t go out all day, and I can’t go out at night. If I do, I would get scolded, or worse, be forced to feel guilty. Most of the time I’d rather isolate myself at home than face this torment. And because of that, sometimes he’d get frustrated with me not being able to go out with him longer.

The most obvious problem is our lack of communication. Or rather, things to talk about. Like I said earlier, it’s my biggest fear in a relationship. When we first started out, sure, we had lots to talk about. I thought that would be permanent. I can’t tell if he still loves me, or he’s just hanging in the relationship for the sake of it. To be honest, I can’t tell for myself either.

At this rate, I am still confused as to whether I should end this relationship or not. I still love him dearly, but I don’t want to be tied down in sadness and resent like my previous relationship. This just goes to show that you can’t always learn from your mistakes. When can you trust feelings and instinct? I can’t even tell. I feel so lost that I am even taking advice from today’s horoscope in the newspaper. Surprisingly, the situation mirrors mine. And it says I should hold on, because I am strong enough to carry the burden.

I know I am strong enough. I have been getting stronger. But how long must I carry the burden? Will I be able to last till October? I’ll be back in the small state in October; I don’t know whether us being together most of the time will work things out or not.

Remember a few posts before, I mentioned we were going on holiday? It was good. The outcome was good, although it started on a rocky patch. But the experience was good, and the outcome was good. Surprisingly, no, we didn’t have sex in the hotel room because we were too tired. During the holidays it was okay.

Then when the semester started it’s slowly starting to deteriorate.

I just…don’t know. Maybe now the timing’s not right and everything seems to be in a bad light and bad way. We weren’t even arguing; I am just feeling this way.

***

About the other guy? The good news is that I’ve stopped liking him. The bad news is that he went back to his ex. It was kind of sudden, and a blow for me. I was a little down about it for a few days and even contemplated confessing to him that I liked him, but then I realized; what’s the point? The point is that he still likes her and still went back to her even after a year of ending the relationship. The point is that I couldn’t make him like me. It’s bizarre; now that he’s no longer single, I lost my desire for him and he’s became an “untouchable”. I still enjoy talking to him; that’s one thing his ex current girlfriend can’t take away from us.

***

My colleague, one day during lunch she just suddenly blurted out that she has a gut feeling that her boyfriend is cheating on her. We’ve barely known each other for two weeks; but I can’t blame her, she probably just wants to tell someone. She also told me that her boyfriend is the type who gets jealous easily and blames a lot of things on her; they also argue very often and seldom meet up. But she also said that she’s still with him because she loves him very much, and that he’ll never find anyone as good as her. She also said that she’s at the age where she’s tired of looking for someone else, and she’ll just take the available guy. She’s only 24.

Their situation reminds me so much of my ex’s and mine. We used to argue a lot too, and he always blames me for a lot of things and gets jealous easily. I was also like her; I thought I loved him a lot and could tolerate it. I was wrong. I wanted to tell her to leave her destructive relationship, but I decided against it because we barely know each other; she might not take my advice, and worse, she might think I’m trying to jeopardize her relationship. Instead, I just indirectly told her my relationship with my ex was similar. I hope she got the hint.

***

It feels so good releasing all my feelings here. It’s my secret diary, and no one I know will read it. I can write everything and know that I’m free of judgements from my friends and acquaintances. For now, I am still confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. To remain, or to break off?