My ex and I, we had a complicated relationship. Now that I think back, perhaps I was rushing things too much instead of letting it run its course. I wanted a boyfriend too much. I admitted I liked him, but perhaps I was, in a way, rushing for him to like me as well.
Then when we were together, I rushed things to develop between us. I rushed our first kiss. I rushed our make out. I rushed sex. I insisted that we must keep in touch all the time. Maybe that was the downfall of our relationship.
During our relationship, we ran a particularly rough patch a few months after our first anniversary. We took a break for a week. He suggested this; and I was heartbroken. I knew that our relationship was going in a bad way; we fought everyday. I wasn’t happy being with him, and everyday as we fought, I cried. I knew what was happening, but yet I didn’t want to end it. No, we had had too much together; to end it would be a pity.
During the one week break, I cried myself to sleep the first two nights. I agonized about what he might be thinking about, about our future, about our relationship. I don’t know what happened, but on the third day, I busied myself doing things. Eventually, I forgot about it, and I began to feel a little sense of relief and freedom during this “break”. I didn’t realize it then, but during this period, if I was matured enough, I should’ve realized that I was better off without him.
After that one week break, we got back together. For the first day, we were fine, as happy as first couples were. The next day, we were back to square one.
I eventually found the strength to forget about him when I liked someone else. Now only I can see my past and realize that, I was so emotionally tired. I was tired about caring for his feelings, tired about watching with what I say so that I won’t spark another fight, tired of crying every night on the phone, tired of feeling worried about whether he might be offended at something I did.
Liking someone else was cathartic, and even though I knew I had to be careful with that person, I fell quite deep into his lure and was heartbroken when he found someone else. I have to admit that till this day, I still find myself quite irritated with him, and I’m usually unable to carry a conversation with him without indirectly scolding him. He’s one of my “regrettables”.
With my current boyfriend, I’m quite happy to say I didn’t make the same mistakes I did with my ex. I didn’t rush a lot of things, but they still moved quite fast. We’ve already been together for slightly more than a year, and even though we have the occasional arguments, it’s nothing I’d cry myself to sleep every night. It’s safe to say I’m in a contented relationship.
It’s a pity that during my attachment with my ex, I indirectly got some of his negative habits, one of them being paranoia. I still carry that paranoia with me when I first got together with my current boyfriend, and that left me a bit emotional during the first few months of our relationship, even more so that we started out having a long distance relationship.
Anyway, I slowly let go of this paranoia and I’m happy to say that I can go a whole day of just a few texts with my boyfriend. With my ex, we’d text each other every second of the day even though there was nothing to talk about. Now that my relationship with my current boyfriend is no longer an LDR, I don’t find myself needing or wanting to spend my every waking moment with him. It gives freedom to us both, and keeps both of us happy.
At least, until I got acquainted with this guy early this year. My boyfriend knows about him, but he doesn’t know how our relationship progressed from a business meet-up to a very good friend. I’ve had a slight crush on him from the moment I set my eyes on him, but within these few months, this crush developed to something in between a crush and a love.
I’m not sure if the feeling’s mutual. Even though we’ve become good friends, I hardly know anything about him. It’s funny, isn’t it? We talk so much, but very little touches on personal details. Part of me is afraid to ask, because I’ve only recently known him, and is afraid that he’ll hold back and think I’m nosy. Therefore, I don’t know if there’s someone he’s interested in. I do know that he’s single.
We flirt a lot. But we dismiss it with the fact that we’re both very open so we can talk about things like that without the other person being offended. In a way, it’s nice having a friend like that. But he doesn’t know that I like him.
I’m listening to his current favourite song, A Fine Frenzy’s Near To You and typing this. He didn’t tell me it’s his favourite song, but I know it is because he quoted it in his FB’s status and inside his blog.
“He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldn’t last.”
Part of me hoped that he was talking about us, but part hoped it wasn’t. I wanted us to have something beautiful, but I don’t want it to be dysfunctional. Maybe he’s talking about someone else. I could be wrong, because, how much do I actually know about him?
I’ve been avoiding his hints of meeting up, because I don’t know how to react when I see him. I’ve only seen him once, and we barely spoke. I’m also afraid of being with him alone, because…would it be considered a date? What would we do? What would we talk about? I want our relationship to develop further, but yet I want it to remain like this.
I still love my boyfriend, and that’s what’s holding me back with this guy. Even though I like this guy, I know it won’t last. It’s like the song. I’ve read his blog, his past thoughts, and he sounds exactly like my ex. He might’ve matured from his past relationship, I wouldn’t know. Part of me wants to try it out with him, but I’m afraid we’ll turn out like my previous relationship. And another part appreciates the relationship I’m having with my current boyfriend.
I wonder if he’ll wait for me, if he even likes me to begin with.
He’s gone away for a holiday till Thursday, and I think that’s the reason of me feeling a bit down now. That, and listening to A Fine Frenzy’s Near To You and Almost Lover. I swear, her songs are so depressing. I hardly want to listen to depressing songs nowadays, because I’m no longer that depressed person I used to be.
