hacks me away on the inside

without fail, my parents argue most of the time. or rather, have a cold war. most of the time it’s about my father’s side of the family. today it happened again. my mother asked me if my father was having another one of his temperaments. i said no, he seemed okay when he talked to me. then she mentioned about their little talk.

basically, my father told my mother that his mother was quite sick, so he sort of hinted my mother to see her. at the same time, he said that his sister (who’s living under the same room as his mother) just moved to a new house, so they’re having a housewarming barbeque party. my mother then nonchalantly proceeded to ask, “why, are they celebrating your mother’s sickness?”

my mother can be very condescendingly sarcastic when she wants to. and it always stabs at you. many times have i felt irritated when she does this to my father, but seeing as it’s their own marital affair, i chose not to interfere. today however, i was particularly assertive. i told her, “you shouldn’t have said that. you always like to say these things, of course he’d get mad.”

she told me she was just asking further, as my father first talked about his mother’s health, then about the housewarming party. i told her, “but those are two different things. they’re having a barbeque party because they just moved, and the sickness is another thing.”

“couldn’t they postpone the barbeque party then?”

“it’s not like she’s going to get any better, you know.”

later after a short pause i gathered my courage and told her, “it’s because you’re always saying all these sarcastic things that’s why both of you always get into a fight.”

she said that he asked for it. it was because earlier in their marriage he was always mean to her and her family, that’s why she did it back to him. she said to me that he had it coming. “you know i’m very revengeful. what he did to me i’ll always remember. i always believe if you do something wrong you’ll get payed for it.”

i guess the phrase “forgive and forget” does not appear in my mother’s dictionary. i felt a bit resentful towards her after that. when she declared that everyone knew how revengeful she was, it was like she wasn’t ashamed of being so. in fact, she seemed quite proud of it. then i remembered the other time i got irritated at her for not understanding  some simple BM that i taught her. she scolded me for being so impatient. i retorted back that when i was younger, she was even more impatient than i am in teaching me things. that was a reason why i never went to her if i didn’t understand anything about my homework. then she said, “oh, so you’re taking revenge now?”

had i been pissed, and had that happened now, i would’ve replied her, “i only learned it from you.”

after she told me how badly my father had treated her and her family, i did not probe further. though i do not agree the ways of my father, i also do not agree with her attitude. i don’t want to sound like a religious person, but i believe that if two people continue to do this, the anger will only be fueled, and you will end up as an angry person, thus you will never move on. it’s easier said than done, as i myself have trouble forgetting the bad past at times. anyway, it’s harder to move on when you have to face the person you resent everyday, and living in the same house.

it was only later that i realized i should have told my mother how selfish she was being. every argument that she has with my father – has she ever thought of me? of how i would feel everytime they argued? all this while, she has only thought of how my father mistreated her and her family, and that alone fueled her anger towards him. she only thought of revenge, but she never thought of her child.

everytime the both of them argued, i always feel like i am the one at fault. as though i was the one who made the both of them argue. sometimes they argued freely in front of me. humans are selfish creatures. the reason why i am so afraid to go against my parents is because i’m afraid that they’ll argue more. i try to be less trouble. though i know that why they argue isn’t because of me, everytime they do it just stabs me on the inside and hacks away.

whenever they argue, i just can’t wait to step out of the house. i always imagine that if i weren’t there, they might argue less often. actually, it’s proven to be quite true. during the most of this year when i wasn’t around, they didn’t argue much. but when i was back for my semester break, at two weeks the most, by the end of the first week they already started arguing. now that i am home for more than three months, it’s even worse. though i’ve grown used to living back here again, i still miss the freedom i had. i still can’t wait to go back there, no matter how boring it is, and no matter how bad the food is.

when i was small, my mother told me that if i studied hard enough, i would be able to study overseas in a prestigious university.

she lied.