I dreamt of him again. I dreamt that he came all the way here to tell me that he loved me. I dreamt that we kissed. I didn’t want to wake up from that dream, and all I felt was disappointment when I did. He’ll never fall in love with me. All I’m doing is having wishful thinking. We don’t even talk as much as we used to.

I miss him a lot.

Dear you

Do you feel the same way I do with you? Or do you treat all your friends the same way?

Do you still have feelings for your ex? Are you still waiting for her?

Do you know that all songs that have relations to you, I listen to constantly, so that I’ll have memories of you?

I miss you. I would love to hear your voice again. Have lunch with you again. Feel the static when we bump into each other.

Do you have another girl you’re setting your sights on? Are you on the lookout for potential girlfriends? If I was single, would you consider me?

You told me that you like girls with long hair. I don’t have long hair, but will you like me?

I don’t have any feelings for my boyfriend anymore, because the feelings are all with you now. I want to break up with him, because I like you; because I don’t love him anymore.

My day isn’t complete if I don’t get to talk to you even for awhile. I get really happy when I see that you’ve sent me a message online.

It doesn’t seem really appropriate, but I think I love you.

This Is It

If there’s one thing you cannot stop, it is your emotions. I am in love with him. Yes, I am. He isn’t my boyfriend, but he is a good friend – a good friend whom I’ve only known for a few months.

I have also come to a decision that I will end my current relationship. It isn’t because I want to finish it off and get together with the other guy I love. Because, no matter how I look at it, we will never be together. He’s much too in love with his ex to love anyone else. No, the reason why I want to end my relationship is because I no longer love him, and I don’t want to remain in a loveless, fruitless relationship.

For a while I thought I could suppress my feelings for this other guy. And I did, for a few days. It felt like a long time, but it was only a few days. I half hoped that he would come back from his trip overseas a single guy – the other half didn’t want him to come back single, because then he’d be a shattered man.

In a way, our friendship has changed very drastically from when we first started out. We used to only talk about funny things and poke fun at each other – now we talk about feelings. His feelings about his ex, his feelings about failing his papers – we’re at the start of a new phase, but it is good progress.

We went out for the very first time yesterday – a platonic outing, just the two of us. Nothing happened, but I was very happy. I thought we might have a chance. I thought he had managed to put his relationship behind him. When I went back, I found that I was wrong. He still loves his ex. He’s still waiting for her, like he told me he would, before he left overseas.

As for now…I’m wondering how and when to break the news to my boyfriend. That I don’t love him anymore, that I want out.

Sometimes I wonder how built I am for lasting relationships. Will I ever be able to find one that I’ll always love?

The Deterioration

For my current semester in university, I have to undergo an internship in my hometown, the city. My boyfriend’s still stuck in the small state. It’s been four weeks into the semester and I already feel like I’m drifting apart from him. I wonder if circumstances are to be blamed. I work from 9am-6pm and I come home extremely tired. After showering, having my dinner and surfing the net for awhile, I am off to bed early. Due to the bad internet connection in the small state, he is hardly online, so we hardly chat online. We hardly text each other either, so that leaves little space for communication.

But when we do get our time for conversation, we have nothing to talk. What I fear most about my relationships is that we end up having nothing to talk about. I hate those long silences; I know that silence isn’t usually bad, but I feel at a loss; I feel myself getting forced to create a topic to talk about.

I’m not really sure if this is all my fault or his. I know I can’t be blamed for the lack of communication because I am busy. But maybe I should put in more effort? I’ve talked to him regarding this matter, and he said that it’s okay and it was his fault for playing too many computer games. This is quite true; although he’s already 19 going on 20, he’s still addicted to computer games. Sometimes; most of the times, he puts them before me and I get annoyed, but usually I couldn’t be arsed because no matter how much I try, I won’t be able to change him.

What makes me sad now is the lack of effort he’s putting into our relationship. He would rather play computer games than to spend a little time to chat with me about his day. Which brings to another problem; he has nothing to tell me about his day, because nothing special happens. I know how true this is, but then again, it’s the lack of effort that he’s putting in to even chat with me is making me depressed.

But maybe it’s also my fault on this? I don’t talk on the phone with him whenever my mother’s around or awake; because then she’d ask me who I’m talking to and what about, and that is annoying because she doesn’t allow me to be in a relationship. Also, I’m quite restricted because I can’t go out all day, and I can’t go out at night. If I do, I would get scolded, or worse, be forced to feel guilty. Most of the time I’d rather isolate myself at home than face this torment. And because of that, sometimes he’d get frustrated with me not being able to go out with him longer.

The most obvious problem is our lack of communication. Or rather, things to talk about. Like I said earlier, it’s my biggest fear in a relationship. When we first started out, sure, we had lots to talk about. I thought that would be permanent. I can’t tell if he still loves me, or he’s just hanging in the relationship for the sake of it. To be honest, I can’t tell for myself either.

At this rate, I am still confused as to whether I should end this relationship or not. I still love him dearly, but I don’t want to be tied down in sadness and resent like my previous relationship. This just goes to show that you can’t always learn from your mistakes. When can you trust feelings and instinct? I can’t even tell. I feel so lost that I am even taking advice from today’s horoscope in the newspaper. Surprisingly, the situation mirrors mine. And it says I should hold on, because I am strong enough to carry the burden.

I know I am strong enough. I have been getting stronger. But how long must I carry the burden? Will I be able to last till October? I’ll be back in the small state in October; I don’t know whether us being together most of the time will work things out or not.

Remember a few posts before, I mentioned we were going on holiday? It was good. The outcome was good, although it started on a rocky patch. But the experience was good, and the outcome was good. Surprisingly, no, we didn’t have sex in the hotel room because we were too tired. During the holidays it was okay.

Then when the semester started it’s slowly starting to deteriorate.

I just…don’t know. Maybe now the timing’s not right and everything seems to be in a bad light and bad way. We weren’t even arguing; I am just feeling this way.

***

About the other guy? The good news is that I’ve stopped liking him. The bad news is that he went back to his ex. It was kind of sudden, and a blow for me. I was a little down about it for a few days and even contemplated confessing to him that I liked him, but then I realized; what’s the point? The point is that he still likes her and still went back to her even after a year of ending the relationship. The point is that I couldn’t make him like me. It’s bizarre; now that he’s no longer single, I lost my desire for him and he’s became an “untouchable”. I still enjoy talking to him; that’s one thing his ex current girlfriend can’t take away from us.

***

My colleague, one day during lunch she just suddenly blurted out that she has a gut feeling that her boyfriend is cheating on her. We’ve barely known each other for two weeks; but I can’t blame her, she probably just wants to tell someone. She also told me that her boyfriend is the type who gets jealous easily and blames a lot of things on her; they also argue very often and seldom meet up. But she also said that she’s still with him because she loves him very much, and that he’ll never find anyone as good as her. She also said that she’s at the age where she’s tired of looking for someone else, and she’ll just take the available guy. She’s only 24.

Their situation reminds me so much of my ex’s and mine. We used to argue a lot too, and he always blames me for a lot of things and gets jealous easily. I was also like her; I thought I loved him a lot and could tolerate it. I was wrong. I wanted to tell her to leave her destructive relationship, but I decided against it because we barely know each other; she might not take my advice, and worse, she might think I’m trying to jeopardize her relationship. Instead, I just indirectly told her my relationship with my ex was similar. I hope she got the hint.

***

It feels so good releasing all my feelings here. It’s my secret diary, and no one I know will read it. I can write everything and know that I’m free of judgements from my friends and acquaintances. For now, I am still confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. To remain, or to break off?

“He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldn’t last.”

My ex and I, we had a complicated relationship. Now that I think back, perhaps I was rushing things too much instead of letting it run its course. I wanted a boyfriend too much. I admitted I liked him, but perhaps I was, in a way, rushing for him to like me as well.

Then when we were together, I rushed things to develop between us. I rushed our first kiss. I rushed our make out. I rushed sex. I insisted that we must keep in touch all the time. Maybe that was the downfall of our relationship.

During our relationship, we ran a particularly rough patch a few months after our first anniversary. We took a break for a week. He suggested this; and I was heartbroken. I knew that our relationship was going in a bad way; we fought everyday. I wasn’t happy being with him, and everyday as we fought, I cried. I knew what was happening, but yet I didn’t want to end it. No, we had had too much together; to end it would be a pity. 

During the one week break, I cried myself to sleep the first two nights. I agonized about what he might be thinking about, about our future, about our relationship. I don’t know what happened, but on the third day, I busied myself doing things. Eventually, I forgot about it, and I began to feel a little sense of relief and freedom during this “break”. I didn’t realize it then, but during this period, if I was matured enough, I should’ve realized that I was better off without him.

After that one week break, we got back together. For the first day, we were fine, as happy as first couples were. The next day, we were back to square one. 

I eventually found the strength to forget about him when I liked someone else. Now only I can see my past and realize that, I was so emotionally tired. I was tired about caring for his feelings, tired about watching with what I say so that I won’t spark another fight, tired of crying every night on the phone, tired of feeling worried about whether he might be offended at something I did. 

Liking someone else was cathartic, and even though I knew I had to be careful with that person, I fell quite deep into his lure and was heartbroken when he found someone else. I have to admit that till this day, I still find myself quite irritated with him, and I’m usually unable to carry a conversation with him without indirectly scolding him. He’s one of my “regrettables”. 

With my current boyfriend, I’m quite happy to say I didn’t make the same mistakes I did with my ex. I didn’t rush a lot of things, but they still moved quite fast. We’ve already been together for slightly more than a year, and even though we have the occasional arguments, it’s nothing I’d cry myself to sleep every night. It’s safe to say I’m in a contented relationship. 

It’s a pity that during my attachment with my ex, I indirectly got some of his negative habits, one of them being paranoia. I still carry that paranoia with me when I first got together with my current boyfriend, and that left me a bit emotional during the first few months of our relationship, even more so that we started out having a long distance relationship. 

Anyway, I slowly let go of this paranoia and I’m happy to say that I can go a whole day of just a few texts with my boyfriend. With my ex, we’d text each other every second of the day even though there was nothing to talk about. Now that my relationship with my current boyfriend is no longer an LDR, I don’t find myself needing or wanting to spend my every waking moment with him. It gives freedom to us both, and keeps both of us happy.

At least, until I got acquainted with this guy early this year. My boyfriend knows about him, but he doesn’t know how our relationship progressed from a business meet-up to a very good friend. I’ve had a slight crush on him from the moment I set my eyes on him, but within these few months, this crush developed to something in between a crush and a love. 

I’m not sure if the feeling’s mutual. Even though we’ve become good friends, I hardly know anything about him. It’s funny, isn’t it? We talk so much, but very little touches on personal details. Part of me is afraid to ask, because I’ve only recently known him, and is afraid that he’ll hold back and think I’m nosy. Therefore, I don’t know if there’s someone he’s interested in. I do know that he’s single.

We flirt a lot. But we dismiss it with the fact that we’re both very open so we can talk about things like that without the other person being offended. In a way, it’s nice having a friend like that. But he doesn’t know that I like him. 

I’m listening to his current favourite song, A Fine Frenzy’s Near To You and typing this. He didn’t tell me it’s his favourite song, but I know it is because he quoted it in his FB’s status and inside his blog. 

“He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldn’t last.”

Part of me hoped that he was talking about us, but part hoped it wasn’t. I wanted us to have something beautiful, but I don’t want it to be dysfunctional. Maybe he’s talking about someone else. I could be wrong, because, how much do I actually know about him?

I’ve been avoiding his hints of meeting up, because I don’t know how to react when I see him. I’ve only seen him once, and we barely spoke. I’m also afraid of being with him alone, because…would it be considered a date? What would we do? What would we talk about? I want our relationship to develop further, but yet I want it to remain like this. 

I still love my boyfriend, and that’s what’s holding me back with this guy. Even though I like this guy, I know it won’t last. It’s like the song. I’ve read his blog, his past thoughts, and he sounds exactly like my ex. He might’ve matured from his past relationship, I wouldn’t know. Part of me wants to try it out with him, but I’m afraid we’ll turn out like my previous relationship. And another part appreciates the relationship I’m having with my current boyfriend.

I wonder if he’ll wait for me, if he even likes me to begin with. 

He’s gone away for a holiday till Thursday, and I think that’s the reason of me feeling a bit down now. That, and listening to A Fine Frenzy’s Near To You and Almost Lover. I swear, her songs are so depressing. I hardly want to listen to depressing songs nowadays, because I’m no longer that depressed person I used to be.

Sometimes I get so annoyed with her attitude, but I don’t say a thing, because this is no longer high school, and we’re all grown ups. Sometimes I don’t feel like hanging out with them, because they are so stupid and whatever they say just annoys me more. 

I don’t understand how stupid people like those group of girls manage to get through the first year of university. Are they secretly smarter than me? Or do they just scrape through?

Sometimes I want to just hang with a different group of people. It’s refreshing. Sometimes I don’t feel like making jokes and laughing. Sometimes I want to be sombre. 

But most of all, I hate that you talk down to me when in actual fact I’m very much smarter than you. I just let you do it, because you’re much older than me and I respect you. 

I hate it when I am the one who makes the most effort but others who don’t make any effort at all, have the best outcome. Is the saying, “It’s not how you get there, it’s how you finish it” really true?

I for one don’t believe that. I believe the road to finish something is equally as important as how you finish it. The amount of effort you exert in doing something, shows a lot in your outcome. That is my firm belief. 

But it’s emotionally and mentally crushing when someone who puts in a lot less effort than you did, came out better than you. Life is unfair.

All stuck inside

I hate it when people talk down to me. I hate being thought of as stupid, and I hate it when he talks to me irritably, like as if I am a stupid girl having trouble understanding what he says.

I am not stupid, I understand what you say. What I don’t understand is the reason for this attitude of yours. I didn’t even say anything to start an argument, yet I don’t know why you want to do so. I have been so tolerant of you and your stupid childish attitude. What have you done for me in return? Scorn me? Degrade me with everything?

Why are we arguing so much lately? Are you facing stress from your exams? Aren’t we all? Do I lash out at you? In fact, I comply to everything you want, but you never do the same for me. Is it so hard to just accompany me to somewhere where I want to buy food to eat? It’s not like I’m asking you to go out on a joyride. The time consumed is just about the same as if you went out for a meal. Stop treating like everything I ask you to do is a waste of your precious time.

Now we can’t even decide to go on a holiday. To be frank, I don’t want to. But because you want to, I’m complying with you. Do you know how much I have to cheat on my parents just to plan this holiday? It’s all for you. And you don’t appreciate a thing. Going on this holiday can only come to two consensus. Either we’ll be better than before, or our relationship will turn sour. It’s really up to you.

I really want you to change. I am so sick of tolerating you and your childish behavior, and then acting like as if you’re so great, you’re so smart. You say you want to entertain others, but you’re entertaining them by making a fool out of yourself. And don’t forget, you’re making a fool out of me as well.

I just feel so frustrated with you, and this relationship. I just want to run away to someplace and cry my heart out. I want to talk to someone about it, but I never have anybody to talk to. It’s not that I don’t; I just don’t want to. I want to bluff everyone into believing that my relationship is perfect. It’s not. Nothing is.

What happened to the glow of the love I had when I first fell in love with you? Day by day, it’s fading as the real you claws its way out.

How this life and all its worth are unfair

I was so angry just now, but now that I have cooled down, all that I am is sad, disappointed, and embarassed. I couldn’t believe that for a subject that’s 70% coursework and 30% finals, I only got 41% for my coursework. I calculated that even if I got full marks for my finals which is impossible, I’d only get a B+ for this subject.

Chances of me getting a C for this subject is very high. I do not want to get a C, as it’ll pull down my cgpa. My current cgpa is 3.0, and I really want to increase it. I have never gotten so low for my cgpa before, and it’s still a really low blow to me.

The biggest blow is probably the one about my friend, who I must admit I do not think academically highly of, got higher than me for a series of Photoshop assignments. My skills in Ps are very much better than hers, yet she got higher than me. Perhaps my skills aren’t as good as I thought.

Next is about how her tutorial group managed to get the tutor to let them redo their individual assignments to increase their coursework marks. My group was not informed about this, so I thought that it was because we got higher than 50%. But we only got to know our coursework marks today, and none of us got above 50%.

That’s why I feel it’s really unfair to us. This way, none of us will be getting an A for this subject. I even emailed the tutor to demand an explanation, and I hope she allows us to do the same. If she doesn’t, I will report this to my lecturer.

I blogged about this in my other more public blog, but said friend told me that even though I was angry, I shouldn’t. Of course, that made me even more emotional about it, and I thought, what the heck, it is my blog, I can blog about whatever discrepancies that you and your classmates did! But I didn’t want to jeopardise our friendship, so I deleted it. The entry.

I still feel quite disappointed with my marks. You could say I was to be blamed for my courseworks, but I can tell you I put my every effort into doing those assignments. In fact, those Illustrator and Photoshop assignments were my most favourite. But in the end, they were the ones which I scored lowest for. This goes to show that you may never be good at what you enjoy doing.

Attitudes and Feelings

Recently my friend’s boyfriend came up to our place. Everytime he does, I notice a change in my friend, and it’s this change in attitude that makes me irritated the most.

She’ll skip her classes just to spend time with her boyfriend. I have no objections to spending time with boyfriends who come up all the way from another state, but to skip class not once, but countlessly?

Not to mention ditching friends, and randomly travelling to another town on a whim just to “accompany the boyfriend” when he’ll be leaving in like, two more days?

It’s not just this. Although she always “prides” herself on being independent, when her boyfriend is here, we see her transform into the type of girl who becomes clingy to the boyfriend. Though she constantly argues with the boyfriend in a good way, she’s too faithful to her boyfriend, on the point of obeying his every words.

Sickening. I dislike it when girls blindly and immediately defend their boyfriend for everything.

On another note, yes, I am attracted to you. But I don’t know what to do about it. Do you realize it? I wonder if you feel the same way. I wonder if we’ll do anything about it. I wonder if this attraction will go away.

The Pleasant Surprise

Many days ago, I had a pleasant sort of surprise when I met up with a good looking stranger. The meeting with this stranger was not unintentional, but still a stranger all the same because prior to the meeting, he was a faceless stranger.

I did hope that the person I would be meeting would be good looking, but this isn’t a perfect world, so I didn’t get my hopes up too high.

Hence, the pleasant surprise when I saw that he was more good looking than I had expected. The way he spoke attracted me even more than his appearance did. You could say that I was smitten.

Smitten as I was, I did remember that I still have a boyfriend. Therefore I didn’t let my feelings go astray.

Somehow, I still kept thinking about him. We chatted once via sms a few days after we met. Even that I held myself back so much, because I didn’t want to give him ideas that I was interested. But the way he replied made me felt more at ease, like I’ve known him for quite a while, rather than just. His friendly manner just made me like him even more.

It’s been almost a week since we last chatted, but I secretly hope that he’ll start the chat first.

I really hope that this little crush won’t last long. It’s excruciating to feel like a complete cheat especially since I have a boyfriend. And especially since I’m starting to have lesser feelings for my boyfriend.

Before I depart, I want to confess.

I’ve been typing this while being in the same room as my boyfriend. He doesn’t know what I’m doing, but neither is he paying attention. I don’t know whether to be relieved or depressed.