The Deterioration

For my current semester in university, I have to undergo an internship in my hometown, the city. My boyfriend’s still stuck in the small state. It’s been four weeks into the semester and I already feel like I’m drifting apart from him. I wonder if circumstances are to be blamed. I work from 9am-6pm and I come home extremely tired. After showering, having my dinner and surfing the net for awhile, I am off to bed early. Due to the bad internet connection in the small state, he is hardly online, so we hardly chat online. We hardly text each other either, so that leaves little space for communication.

But when we do get our time for conversation, we have nothing to talk. What I fear most about my relationships is that we end up having nothing to talk about. I hate those long silences; I know that silence isn’t usually bad, but I feel at a loss; I feel myself getting forced to create a topic to talk about.

I’m not really sure if this is all my fault or his. I know I can’t be blamed for the lack of communication because I am busy. But maybe I should put in more effort? I’ve talked to him regarding this matter, and he said that it’s okay and it was his fault for playing too many computer games. This is quite true; although he’s already 19 going on 20, he’s still addicted to computer games. Sometimes; most of the times, he puts them before me and I get annoyed, but usually I couldn’t be arsed because no matter how much I try, I won’t be able to change him.

What makes me sad now is the lack of effort he’s putting into our relationship. He would rather play computer games than to spend a little time to chat with me about his day. Which brings to another problem; he has nothing to tell me about his day, because nothing special happens. I know how true this is, but then again, it’s the lack of effort that he’s putting in to even chat with me is making me depressed.

But maybe it’s also my fault on this? I don’t talk on the phone with him whenever my mother’s around or awake; because then she’d ask me who I’m talking to and what about, and that is annoying because she doesn’t allow me to be in a relationship. Also, I’m quite restricted because I can’t go out all day, and I can’t go out at night. If I do, I would get scolded, or worse, be forced to feel guilty. Most of the time I’d rather isolate myself at home than face this torment. And because of that, sometimes he’d get frustrated with me not being able to go out with him longer.

The most obvious problem is our lack of communication. Or rather, things to talk about. Like I said earlier, it’s my biggest fear in a relationship. When we first started out, sure, we had lots to talk about. I thought that would be permanent. I can’t tell if he still loves me, or he’s just hanging in the relationship for the sake of it. To be honest, I can’t tell for myself either.

At this rate, I am still confused as to whether I should end this relationship or not. I still love him dearly, but I don’t want to be tied down in sadness and resent like my previous relationship. This just goes to show that you can’t always learn from your mistakes. When can you trust feelings and instinct? I can’t even tell. I feel so lost that I am even taking advice from today’s horoscope in the newspaper. Surprisingly, the situation mirrors mine. And it says I should hold on, because I am strong enough to carry the burden.

I know I am strong enough. I have been getting stronger. But how long must I carry the burden? Will I be able to last till October? I’ll be back in the small state in October; I don’t know whether us being together most of the time will work things out or not.

Remember a few posts before, I mentioned we were going on holiday? It was good. The outcome was good, although it started on a rocky patch. But the experience was good, and the outcome was good. Surprisingly, no, we didn’t have sex in the hotel room because we were too tired. During the holidays it was okay.

Then when the semester started it’s slowly starting to deteriorate.

I just…don’t know. Maybe now the timing’s not right and everything seems to be in a bad light and bad way. We weren’t even arguing; I am just feeling this way.

***

About the other guy? The good news is that I’ve stopped liking him. The bad news is that he went back to his ex. It was kind of sudden, and a blow for me. I was a little down about it for a few days and even contemplated confessing to him that I liked him, but then I realized; what’s the point? The point is that he still likes her and still went back to her even after a year of ending the relationship. The point is that I couldn’t make him like me. It’s bizarre; now that he’s no longer single, I lost my desire for him and he’s became an “untouchable”. I still enjoy talking to him; that’s one thing his ex current girlfriend can’t take away from us.

***

My colleague, one day during lunch she just suddenly blurted out that she has a gut feeling that her boyfriend is cheating on her. We’ve barely known each other for two weeks; but I can’t blame her, she probably just wants to tell someone. She also told me that her boyfriend is the type who gets jealous easily and blames a lot of things on her; they also argue very often and seldom meet up. But she also said that she’s still with him because she loves him very much, and that he’ll never find anyone as good as her. She also said that she’s at the age where she’s tired of looking for someone else, and she’ll just take the available guy. She’s only 24.

Their situation reminds me so much of my ex’s and mine. We used to argue a lot too, and he always blames me for a lot of things and gets jealous easily. I was also like her; I thought I loved him a lot and could tolerate it. I was wrong. I wanted to tell her to leave her destructive relationship, but I decided against it because we barely know each other; she might not take my advice, and worse, she might think I’m trying to jeopardize her relationship. Instead, I just indirectly told her my relationship with my ex was similar. I hope she got the hint.

***

It feels so good releasing all my feelings here. It’s my secret diary, and no one I know will read it. I can write everything and know that I’m free of judgements from my friends and acquaintances. For now, I am still confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. To remain, or to break off?

“He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldn’t last.”

My ex and I, we had a complicated relationship. Now that I think back, perhaps I was rushing things too much instead of letting it run its course. I wanted a boyfriend too much. I admitted I liked him, but perhaps I was, in a way, rushing for him to like me as well.

Then when we were together, I rushed things to develop between us. I rushed our first kiss. I rushed our make out. I rushed sex. I insisted that we must keep in touch all the time. Maybe that was the downfall of our relationship.

During our relationship, we ran a particularly rough patch a few months after our first anniversary. We took a break for a week. He suggested this; and I was heartbroken. I knew that our relationship was going in a bad way; we fought everyday. I wasn’t happy being with him, and everyday as we fought, I cried. I knew what was happening, but yet I didn’t want to end it. No, we had had too much together; to end it would be a pity. 

During the one week break, I cried myself to sleep the first two nights. I agonized about what he might be thinking about, about our future, about our relationship. I don’t know what happened, but on the third day, I busied myself doing things. Eventually, I forgot about it, and I began to feel a little sense of relief and freedom during this “break”. I didn’t realize it then, but during this period, if I was matured enough, I should’ve realized that I was better off without him.

After that one week break, we got back together. For the first day, we were fine, as happy as first couples were. The next day, we were back to square one. 

I eventually found the strength to forget about him when I liked someone else. Now only I can see my past and realize that, I was so emotionally tired. I was tired about caring for his feelings, tired about watching with what I say so that I won’t spark another fight, tired of crying every night on the phone, tired of feeling worried about whether he might be offended at something I did. 

Liking someone else was cathartic, and even though I knew I had to be careful with that person, I fell quite deep into his lure and was heartbroken when he found someone else. I have to admit that till this day, I still find myself quite irritated with him, and I’m usually unable to carry a conversation with him without indirectly scolding him. He’s one of my “regrettables”. 

With my current boyfriend, I’m quite happy to say I didn’t make the same mistakes I did with my ex. I didn’t rush a lot of things, but they still moved quite fast. We’ve already been together for slightly more than a year, and even though we have the occasional arguments, it’s nothing I’d cry myself to sleep every night. It’s safe to say I’m in a contented relationship. 

It’s a pity that during my attachment with my ex, I indirectly got some of his negative habits, one of them being paranoia. I still carry that paranoia with me when I first got together with my current boyfriend, and that left me a bit emotional during the first few months of our relationship, even more so that we started out having a long distance relationship. 

Anyway, I slowly let go of this paranoia and I’m happy to say that I can go a whole day of just a few texts with my boyfriend. With my ex, we’d text each other every second of the day even though there was nothing to talk about. Now that my relationship with my current boyfriend is no longer an LDR, I don’t find myself needing or wanting to spend my every waking moment with him. It gives freedom to us both, and keeps both of us happy.

At least, until I got acquainted with this guy early this year. My boyfriend knows about him, but he doesn’t know how our relationship progressed from a business meet-up to a very good friend. I’ve had a slight crush on him from the moment I set my eyes on him, but within these few months, this crush developed to something in between a crush and a love. 

I’m not sure if the feeling’s mutual. Even though we’ve become good friends, I hardly know anything about him. It’s funny, isn’t it? We talk so much, but very little touches on personal details. Part of me is afraid to ask, because I’ve only recently known him, and is afraid that he’ll hold back and think I’m nosy. Therefore, I don’t know if there’s someone he’s interested in. I do know that he’s single.

We flirt a lot. But we dismiss it with the fact that we’re both very open so we can talk about things like that without the other person being offended. In a way, it’s nice having a friend like that. But he doesn’t know that I like him. 

I’m listening to his current favourite song, A Fine Frenzy’s Near To You and typing this. He didn’t tell me it’s his favourite song, but I know it is because he quoted it in his FB’s status and inside his blog. 

“He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional, it couldn’t last.”

Part of me hoped that he was talking about us, but part hoped it wasn’t. I wanted us to have something beautiful, but I don’t want it to be dysfunctional. Maybe he’s talking about someone else. I could be wrong, because, how much do I actually know about him?

I’ve been avoiding his hints of meeting up, because I don’t know how to react when I see him. I’ve only seen him once, and we barely spoke. I’m also afraid of being with him alone, because…would it be considered a date? What would we do? What would we talk about? I want our relationship to develop further, but yet I want it to remain like this. 

I still love my boyfriend, and that’s what’s holding me back with this guy. Even though I like this guy, I know it won’t last. It’s like the song. I’ve read his blog, his past thoughts, and he sounds exactly like my ex. He might’ve matured from his past relationship, I wouldn’t know. Part of me wants to try it out with him, but I’m afraid we’ll turn out like my previous relationship. And another part appreciates the relationship I’m having with my current boyfriend.

I wonder if he’ll wait for me, if he even likes me to begin with. 

He’s gone away for a holiday till Thursday, and I think that’s the reason of me feeling a bit down now. That, and listening to A Fine Frenzy’s Near To You and Almost Lover. I swear, her songs are so depressing. I hardly want to listen to depressing songs nowadays, because I’m no longer that depressed person I used to be.

Sometimes I get so annoyed with her attitude, but I don’t say a thing, because this is no longer high school, and we’re all grown ups. Sometimes I don’t feel like hanging out with them, because they are so stupid and whatever they say just annoys me more. 

I don’t understand how stupid people like those group of girls manage to get through the first year of university. Are they secretly smarter than me? Or do they just scrape through?

Sometimes I want to just hang with a different group of people. It’s refreshing. Sometimes I don’t feel like making jokes and laughing. Sometimes I want to be sombre. 

But most of all, I hate that you talk down to me when in actual fact I’m very much smarter than you. I just let you do it, because you’re much older than me and I respect you. 

I hate it when I am the one who makes the most effort but others who don’t make any effort at all, have the best outcome. Is the saying, “It’s not how you get there, it’s how you finish it” really true?

I for one don’t believe that. I believe the road to finish something is equally as important as how you finish it. The amount of effort you exert in doing something, shows a lot in your outcome. That is my firm belief. 

But it’s emotionally and mentally crushing when someone who puts in a lot less effort than you did, came out better than you. Life is unfair.

All stuck inside

I hate it when people talk down to me. I hate being thought of as stupid, and I hate it when he talks to me irritably, like as if I am a stupid girl having trouble understanding what he says.

I am not stupid, I understand what you say. What I don’t understand is the reason for this attitude of yours. I didn’t even say anything to start an argument, yet I don’t know why you want to do so. I have been so tolerant of you and your stupid childish attitude. What have you done for me in return? Scorn me? Degrade me with everything?

Why are we arguing so much lately? Are you facing stress from your exams? Aren’t we all? Do I lash out at you? In fact, I comply to everything you want, but you never do the same for me. Is it so hard to just accompany me to somewhere where I want to buy food to eat? It’s not like I’m asking you to go out on a joyride. The time consumed is just about the same as if you went out for a meal. Stop treating like everything I ask you to do is a waste of your precious time.

Now we can’t even decide to go on a holiday. To be frank, I don’t want to. But because you want to, I’m complying with you. Do you know how much I have to cheat on my parents just to plan this holiday? It’s all for you. And you don’t appreciate a thing. Going on this holiday can only come to two consensus. Either we’ll be better than before, or our relationship will turn sour. It’s really up to you.

I really want you to change. I am so sick of tolerating you and your childish behavior, and then acting like as if you’re so great, you’re so smart. You say you want to entertain others, but you’re entertaining them by making a fool out of yourself. And don’t forget, you’re making a fool out of me as well.

I just feel so frustrated with you, and this relationship. I just want to run away to someplace and cry my heart out. I want to talk to someone about it, but I never have anybody to talk to. It’s not that I don’t; I just don’t want to. I want to bluff everyone into believing that my relationship is perfect. It’s not. Nothing is.

What happened to the glow of the love I had when I first fell in love with you? Day by day, it’s fading as the real you claws its way out.

How this life and all its worth are unfair

I was so angry just now, but now that I have cooled down, all that I am is sad, disappointed, and embarassed. I couldn’t believe that for a subject that’s 70% coursework and 30% finals, I only got 41% for my coursework. I calculated that even if I got full marks for my finals which is impossible, I’d only get a B+ for this subject.

Chances of me getting a C for this subject is very high. I do not want to get a C, as it’ll pull down my cgpa. My current cgpa is 3.0, and I really want to increase it. I have never gotten so low for my cgpa before, and it’s still a really low blow to me.

The biggest blow is probably the one about my friend, who I must admit I do not think academically highly of, got higher than me for a series of Photoshop assignments. My skills in Ps are very much better than hers, yet she got higher than me. Perhaps my skills aren’t as good as I thought.

Next is about how her tutorial group managed to get the tutor to let them redo their individual assignments to increase their coursework marks. My group was not informed about this, so I thought that it was because we got higher than 50%. But we only got to know our coursework marks today, and none of us got above 50%.

That’s why I feel it’s really unfair to us. This way, none of us will be getting an A for this subject. I even emailed the tutor to demand an explanation, and I hope she allows us to do the same. If she doesn’t, I will report this to my lecturer.

I blogged about this in my other more public blog, but said friend told me that even though I was angry, I shouldn’t. Of course, that made me even more emotional about it, and I thought, what the heck, it is my blog, I can blog about whatever discrepancies that you and your classmates did! But I didn’t want to jeopardise our friendship, so I deleted it. The entry.

I still feel quite disappointed with my marks. You could say I was to be blamed for my courseworks, but I can tell you I put my every effort into doing those assignments. In fact, those Illustrator and Photoshop assignments were my most favourite. But in the end, they were the ones which I scored lowest for. This goes to show that you may never be good at what you enjoy doing.

Attitudes and Feelings

Recently my friend’s boyfriend came up to our place. Everytime he does, I notice a change in my friend, and it’s this change in attitude that makes me irritated the most.

She’ll skip her classes just to spend time with her boyfriend. I have no objections to spending time with boyfriends who come up all the way from another state, but to skip class not once, but countlessly?

Not to mention ditching friends, and randomly travelling to another town on a whim just to “accompany the boyfriend” when he’ll be leaving in like, two more days?

It’s not just this. Although she always “prides” herself on being independent, when her boyfriend is here, we see her transform into the type of girl who becomes clingy to the boyfriend. Though she constantly argues with the boyfriend in a good way, she’s too faithful to her boyfriend, on the point of obeying his every words.

Sickening. I dislike it when girls blindly and immediately defend their boyfriend for everything.

On another note, yes, I am attracted to you. But I don’t know what to do about it. Do you realize it? I wonder if you feel the same way. I wonder if we’ll do anything about it. I wonder if this attraction will go away.

The Pleasant Surprise

Many days ago, I had a pleasant sort of surprise when I met up with a good looking stranger. The meeting with this stranger was not unintentional, but still a stranger all the same because prior to the meeting, he was a faceless stranger.

I did hope that the person I would be meeting would be good looking, but this isn’t a perfect world, so I didn’t get my hopes up too high.

Hence, the pleasant surprise when I saw that he was more good looking than I had expected. The way he spoke attracted me even more than his appearance did. You could say that I was smitten.

Smitten as I was, I did remember that I still have a boyfriend. Therefore I didn’t let my feelings go astray.

Somehow, I still kept thinking about him. We chatted once via sms a few days after we met. Even that I held myself back so much, because I didn’t want to give him ideas that I was interested. But the way he replied made me felt more at ease, like I’ve known him for quite a while, rather than just. His friendly manner just made me like him even more.

It’s been almost a week since we last chatted, but I secretly hope that he’ll start the chat first.

I really hope that this little crush won’t last long. It’s excruciating to feel like a complete cheat especially since I have a boyfriend. And especially since I’m starting to have lesser feelings for my boyfriend.

Before I depart, I want to confess.

I’ve been typing this while being in the same room as my boyfriend. He doesn’t know what I’m doing, but neither is he paying attention. I don’t know whether to be relieved or depressed.

Post Exhiliration Depression

There are a few things I wonder.

Is it normal to feel a little depressed after having a whole day of fun?

I wonder if it’s possible to outstay your welcome in your own house.

Are mothers equipped with the ability to nag at every single thing?

Sigh. I was quite happy yesterday when I bought my clothes. I couldn’t help but wonder that if I had gotten my pay on Wednesday, I would’ve shopped a little more freely. It sucks that I spent quite a lot this month. I don’t know how that happened, as I’ve always been quite careful with my money and I always have a bit left over.

Actually, I do know how it happened. It’s the same month I need to buy my contacts, and that alone costs RM60. I also met up with S thus needing to pay her back for the three books she helped me buy on discount at the MPH warehouse sales, which totalled up to RM64. Then I bought an MNG black knit top which I deem a necessity for RM35. Then that day I payed for A’s stuff because V didn’t bring any money out with him. That was RM32. I actually didn’t feel like meeting up with S for a movie even though it was free because I didn’t feel like going out to 1U again, and if I went out I’d inevitably need to spend money for lunch. I regretted suggesting sushi for lunch, because the bill came up to RM29. I also spent RM50 for the dentist appointment. Not to mention during V’s birthday early in the month I ate up to RM26. Actually that time I still had quite a lot of cash with me.

So all in all I spent close to RM350. And the month isn’t even over yet. It was a miracle I spent under RM100 for the two item of clothes yesterday. I wanted to buy a few other things, but I restrained myself because I’ve already spent so much this month. If that’s not bad enough, there’s the camera repair bill that’s RM290. Thank goodness mother is paying half for it, but I still need to withdraw some money.

Things at home aren’t quite good either. I haven’t spoken to my father for a week. I think he’s angry at me for shouting at him last week for shouting at me. It’s not my fault, really. He couldn’t find the key to the window, so he asked me where it was. I never touched that key, but I helped to see if it was in the stationery box on my table (it’s usually in the jewellery box). He immediately started shouting at me, demanding why I put the key there.

I was so shocked! I was just helping him find it, I didn’t even touch the key! I started getting angry and I shouted right back at him that I didn’t touch the bloody key. He was probably shocked that I’d raise my voice at him, so he hasn’t spoken or looked at me for the past week.

It’s not my fault. Which brings me to me wondering if I’d outstayed my welcome in this house. I already counted; I have 15 more days till I can go back to Kampar.

My Sunday is usually spent going to the mall with my parents. I don’t think that will be happening for quite some time. Other than that, I am pretty much stuck at home. As I already spent a fortune this month, I am determined to stay away from anything that’ll make me use money, which pretty much means that I won’t be going anywhere. That said, I am bored out of my mind. The wise thing to do now is to do something that’ll earn me money instead of spending it. Which means work. Unfortunately I am not really in the frame of mind for work now. What I really want to do now is go shopping. Totally out of the question, due to financial problems.

As bimbotic as it sounds, I really want to buy some tights now; a plain black one, and an argyle one. I want the tights to wear with the long top I bought yesterday. I don’t have the right heels to wear the tights with, so I’ll need to buy shoes as well. I saw a pair of light brown booties yesterday but they couldn’t fit. Therefore I want to buy a pair of booties to wear with my tights. And since the top I bought yesterday is too dark for CNY, I want to get a bright coloured top to go with the skirt I bought yesterday. And I desperately want a smocked tube top as well, in a candy colour.

There are still so many things I want to do now that I’m still in the city, but all requires money. The best thing to do is to finish up my work in a week’s time, so that I can get my pay next week. Or, I’ll have to wait for next month, when I get my allowance. That is, if my beloved father is planning on giving me money anymore.

Life in this household has been very tense. My mother takes every possible opportunity to badmouth my father and his family, or to nag at me for every single thing. I swear, everything I do requires a nag. Is it a dominant gene in mothers?

As of now, I cannot wait to get back to Kampar. However, life in Kampar means no shopping. There is online shopping, but after the two bazaars I’ve been to, it’s very hard to discern whether clothes in online boutiques look as nice in real life. I have seen a few gems online but when I see them offline, they are not quite the gems I thought they were. Perhaps it’s also the fact that some clothes look better worn than on the clothes hanger. There’s also the quality factor.

I am also having the worrying attitude that online clothes are much better than the normal clothes of Padini, Nichii, and the likes. They are becoming a little boring, I’m afraid. Am I turning into a lala, shunning normal, boring clothes? This I cannot fathom.

If I want my pay by next week, I suppose I have to start on my work now.

hacks me away on the inside

without fail, my parents argue most of the time. or rather, have a cold war. most of the time it’s about my father’s side of the family. today it happened again. my mother asked me if my father was having another one of his temperaments. i said no, he seemed okay when he talked to me. then she mentioned about their little talk.

basically, my father told my mother that his mother was quite sick, so he sort of hinted my mother to see her. at the same time, he said that his sister (who’s living under the same room as his mother) just moved to a new house, so they’re having a housewarming barbeque party. my mother then nonchalantly proceeded to ask, “why, are they celebrating your mother’s sickness?”

my mother can be very condescendingly sarcastic when she wants to. and it always stabs at you. many times have i felt irritated when she does this to my father, but seeing as it’s their own marital affair, i chose not to interfere. today however, i was particularly assertive. i told her, “you shouldn’t have said that. you always like to say these things, of course he’d get mad.”

she told me she was just asking further, as my father first talked about his mother’s health, then about the housewarming party. i told her, “but those are two different things. they’re having a barbeque party because they just moved, and the sickness is another thing.”

“couldn’t they postpone the barbeque party then?”

“it’s not like she’s going to get any better, you know.”

later after a short pause i gathered my courage and told her, “it’s because you’re always saying all these sarcastic things that’s why both of you always get into a fight.”

she said that he asked for it. it was because earlier in their marriage he was always mean to her and her family, that’s why she did it back to him. she said to me that he had it coming. “you know i’m very revengeful. what he did to me i’ll always remember. i always believe if you do something wrong you’ll get payed for it.”

i guess the phrase “forgive and forget” does not appear in my mother’s dictionary. i felt a bit resentful towards her after that. when she declared that everyone knew how revengeful she was, it was like she wasn’t ashamed of being so. in fact, she seemed quite proud of it. then i remembered the other time i got irritated at her for not understanding  some simple BM that i taught her. she scolded me for being so impatient. i retorted back that when i was younger, she was even more impatient than i am in teaching me things. that was a reason why i never went to her if i didn’t understand anything about my homework. then she said, “oh, so you’re taking revenge now?”

had i been pissed, and had that happened now, i would’ve replied her, “i only learned it from you.”

after she told me how badly my father had treated her and her family, i did not probe further. though i do not agree the ways of my father, i also do not agree with her attitude. i don’t want to sound like a religious person, but i believe that if two people continue to do this, the anger will only be fueled, and you will end up as an angry person, thus you will never move on. it’s easier said than done, as i myself have trouble forgetting the bad past at times. anyway, it’s harder to move on when you have to face the person you resent everyday, and living in the same house.

it was only later that i realized i should have told my mother how selfish she was being. every argument that she has with my father – has she ever thought of me? of how i would feel everytime they argued? all this while, she has only thought of how my father mistreated her and her family, and that alone fueled her anger towards him. she only thought of revenge, but she never thought of her child.

everytime the both of them argued, i always feel like i am the one at fault. as though i was the one who made the both of them argue. sometimes they argued freely in front of me. humans are selfish creatures. the reason why i am so afraid to go against my parents is because i’m afraid that they’ll argue more. i try to be less trouble. though i know that why they argue isn’t because of me, everytime they do it just stabs me on the inside and hacks away.

whenever they argue, i just can’t wait to step out of the house. i always imagine that if i weren’t there, they might argue less often. actually, it’s proven to be quite true. during the most of this year when i wasn’t around, they didn’t argue much. but when i was back for my semester break, at two weeks the most, by the end of the first week they already started arguing. now that i am home for more than three months, it’s even worse. though i’ve grown used to living back here again, i still miss the freedom i had. i still can’t wait to go back there, no matter how boring it is, and no matter how bad the food is.

when i was small, my mother told me that if i studied hard enough, i would be able to study overseas in a prestigious university.

she lied.

Not a kid

i’m feeling so frustrated now. i quitted my job as a promoter two days ago, and i’ve been seriously regretting it ever since. not that i wanted to quit, i was actually in a way, forced to quit.

reason number one is because my father is treating me like a complete child, like as if i’m going to be kidnapped any second! i finish work at 8pm, and he at 6pm. he could easily go home, shower, have dinner, watch some tv before coming out to pick me up again. but noo, he must wait for me to finish then only go home together. it’s not bad for waiting. but waiting for me two hours before i finish?!?!?!? that’s plain fucking absurd!! i am not a child!!

reason number two is because if i continue working, my hours would be from 4pm to 12am next week onwards. which would definitely cause an uproar from my parents, not to mention transportation problems. i for one do not have any problem with the timing. by all means, the later the better, i don’t want to go home so early.

reason number three is the extended date of working. i don’t know why i was affected by this, i think it’s because my father was disappointed saying he wanted to go on a holiday with us, etc etc. god, the things i do for my family.

although my job as a promoter isn’t the best, i kind of had fun the second day doing it. first day was a disaster, but second day was pretty enjoyable. and although i do not like to admit it, i think i’m having a crush on my supervisor. i still love my boyfriend – i think i do, cause that’s not exactly what i’m feeling right now. i think it’s the crush phase, once i’m over that i’ll be back to normal.

which i hope will not be very long. it’s bad enough i can’t see my supervisor anymore, i’m stuck on missing and crushing on him. it’s really a sucky feeling.

and i’m missing out on rm2150 worth of salary. two freaking thousand. i already planned out what i could buy with that amount of money, but now everything’s gone haywire.

FUCK IT!